Bella's Epiphany

(After reading Breaking Dawn, I was so utterly disappointed that I just had to make it right. Here's a chapter I made to rectify the horrendous ending to Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga.) I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I broke into sweats after I woke up from the most vivid dream that I had. I turned around, checking if Edward has come back from the hunt with Emmett and Jasper. He hasn’t come back yet. It felt odd that I was actually relieved that he didn’t have to see me in such confused and broken state. Normally, I would have traded anything just so he wouldn’t leave me even for a second. I took deep even breaths, mentally reassuring myself that everything would be just fine. I closed my eyes trying to reabsorb what I saw in my unconsciousness. And there it was . . . as clear as day . . . and the realization struck me . . . But I couldn’t put my realization into words because I have been in denial for so long. Why do things have to be this complicated? Edward loves me. Jacob loves me. And I love them both! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid heart! I don’t deserve any of them! They are way too good to fall in love with a nothing like me. Maybe it would be easy if I just go back to my mom in Florida and live with her. That way, I would be able to make it easier for the three of us. I cannot marry Edward. Not that I don’t love him - I really do, but the idea of marriage is just so ludicrous at this moment, I cannot conceive of it. Being engaged to Edward now is my biggest complication. He has suckered me into this whole marriage thing crap because I wanted so much of him to suck the life out of me in the end. Hahaha. Funny. My grandmother used to tell me that marriage was like death. You wouldn’t know when it will come, because it just happens - so swift and so sure. She was totally right! Except she did mean it figuratively. After my marriage to Edward, death would come to me literally. I will be transformed into an abomination that Jacob despises, but I would get to live forever with my Edward. Oh Edward. I have gone through with this issue a million times in my head. I have actually decided that am willing to give up my soul just to be with Edward. But then this dream has been a nagging reminder of what it would be worth sacrificing. Now I am having my doubts. I have been always been a one-track minded person. I hate it when I have to rethink or even reconsider what I have already decided on. This dream has messed-up my already messed-up brain. I hate it. But then it only made sense to have some reservations. What if I change so drastically after the transformation that I wouldn’t feel the same for Edward anymore? I heard of stories about newborns being bloodthristy and all. What if I never get to be like who I really am? What if with the transformation, all the feelings I have for Edward would be gone? Suddenly I am not so sure anymore. I just hate it when I couldn’t have an exact answer to my question let alone any intelligent guess. Edward himself has made it clear that he didn’t want me to be like him - a vampire - a cursed being as he puts it. Whatever his reasons, somehow I could see it now. I am way too much of a human to give up my soul entirely. At first I thought that giving up my humanity would be easy, but my perspective has suddenly changed after that. . . after that . . . kiss. I never realized that I would get to kiss any one else besides Edward. I was so used to kissing Edward’s cold, immaculate, marble-like lips when suddenly, Jacob decides to introduce me to something much better than ice. Damn it! I am so going to hell just thinking about it. But I can’t help it. Jacob’s kiss has been so warm and so passionate. His touch feels good on my pale skin. It’s like nothing could go wrong when I’m with him. I feel so warm and fuzzy around him. He’s my sun that warms every cold corner of my being. He’s the wind that makes me feel hopeful when everything goes wrong. I don’t feel the intense need to be perfect for him. It feels so natural to be with him. Being with Jacob feels so right. And being with Edward suddenly feels so wrong. I knew that I have always been wrong for Edward since the first time I saw him. He was just so perfect in every way that being close to him has made me feel so unpretty. Despite his solid declaration of his love for me, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself and feel more sorry for him. I have nothing to give except this lousy troubled heart of mine. It feels that by accepting his love and loving him back, I am cheating on him by not being the perfect woman that could stand beside his angelic beauty. I know that I don’t deserve him. It’s not because I have self-esteem issues. No. It’s not like that. Being with Edward now, suddenly feels so wrong. And I hate myself for feeling like this. I don’t want to hate myself any longer. No. I cannot have second thoughts at this time. Not like this. Not now that I am engaged to Edward. I shouldn’t entertain this ”human” thought. Yes. Indeed, what I am thinking is human. As hard as I try to shove the thought off my mind, I just can’t. The comparison is now there. Jacob has made this all wrong! Why did he have to kiss me in the first place? Why did I ever let him? Was it curiosity? Was it lust? I am so ashamed to admit it, but I do want Jacob to kiss me again. Again and again and again. No. Not just kiss me, but hold me with intense burning in his big, strong and warm arms, and make me his forever. Forever. Bella Black. I like the sound of that. Jacob is my sun, my wind. At least I would never have to be perfect. I am human after all. Oh my god! Even I am shocked with my own honesty. I love Jacob Black more than I’ll ever admit it.