Beyond Fury

I have never been so infuriated in my whole life. Although I may not show it outwardly, deep inside, I am burning with raw rage. It will only take a few more days before I explode and let myself shatter to pieces. Infidelity is really a despicable act. Morally, it is extremely abhorrent. People who do such act could be described as vile, disgraceful, rotten, sickening . . . These people think only about their own carnal satisfaction, not realizing the repurcussions of the gravity of such betrayal. I was a victim of such unfaithfulness. First was when my first serious boyfriend left me for my co-teacher. I was so mad at them that I cursed them to the fiery pits of hell. The abandonment has devastated me and I just wanted vengeance. I did a lot of crazy things to hurt them back. Hate was a fiery flavored aftertase that burned deep in my throat right down to my heart. It took me quite some time to move on, but the scar left in my heart is a reminder of such disloyalty. It has been seven years but I remember every detail vividly, like it was just yesterday. Who says time heals all wounds? It doesn't. It only changes us. And because of the hurt, I have made myself numb - apathetic to the pains of others, because I had mine to worry about and I figured, everyone should bleed the same way. So for seven years I have hid under the covers of apathy. I have toughened and roughened my heart to feel accustomed to the freaking pain. As the song goes, big girls don't cry. I am a big girl. I am done with crying. I have already cried a river and I am all cried out. I have made mistakes in my life that has helped me grow up. The treachery done to me by my boyfriend was actually nothing. After months of soul-searching I realized that it wasn't something to be hated, rather it was something to be thankful about. It was Divine Providence as they called it. I am so loved by the Lord that I was saved from total destruction. My life could have been miserable if I ended up with that lying perverted jerk. I am now married to a faithful man whom I love with all my heart. I have been through a bunch of losers before I actually found the right one. If I were to die everytime my heart got broken, I would have more lives than a cat, because that's how life was for me. Experience has taught me a lot and I have been saying this most of the time . . . been there . . . done that. Nothing surprises me anymore . . . or so I thought. Yesterday, was the apocalypse of the "Pleasant Ville" type of life that I knew. I used to think that my father was an honorable man - that he was not capable of infidelity. I was wrong. He has feelings for someone younger than myself. Worse, he wasn't afraid to admit it, and the person he loves was my son's babysitter. When I learned about it I could not put my hatred into words because I am beyond fury and words are not enough to contain all the vile images I have of my now tainted father. I am not just hurting because I am thinking about myself. Other people are involved too, and that makes it worse. My mother is hurting like I am. Maybe even more. I am ashamed to say this, but my father is beyond despicable. He may not have acted on it, but he has entertained the idea in his head and he was ready to leave us for this kind of corporal satisfaction. The idea was so inconceivable that my stomach could only churn with utmost disgust. I thought I could be apathetic about this. I want to, but I couldn't. The shame is just too much to bear. And the little respect that I have for him has diminished into nothingness. Denial can never make things right. I think I hate him. I want to hate him and I would like to curse him to the abysmal depths of the lake of fire where he belongs. But I would not do that . . . yet. Right now, I am beyond fury. My hands are shaking as I type. I don't know what to do yet. I just want him to get out of my face before I totally lose my self-control and kick his freaking ass. There must be a valid reason for his disgraceful act. Temporary insanity? Demon possession? Whatever it is, it still doesn't change the fact that he hurt us. I want to process his justifications in my head - that he was seduced, and that he's only human. The reasons he gave failed to register, and they were rejected by my own common sense. No. Infidelity is unjustifiable. I always thought that my friend was right in saying that all men are scum. Now, I disagree. There are men lower than scum. There are men who are like the fungus that feeds on the scum - and those are the two-timing jerks.