From Hate to Indifference

There is this person that I won’t care to even name, who has hurt me more than any human being alive. He has inflicted the kind of hurt that surpasses the pain you get from an operation, and this hurt would take years to heal or maybe even never. At first, his despicable acts were just dismissed as immaturity. I forgave. I let him be. But the forgiveness of humans ends, and I have come to a saturation point - I have nothing more to give. I once regarded this person highly. I have mistaken his self-righteousness as dignity, his immaturity as logical reasoning, and his bribery as generosity. The little ounce of respect that I have for him has diminished into a speck. If he pushes me to the limit, the speck might even be reduced into nothingness. Heaven forbid that I lose myself and unleash to him all the resentment that is just deep within me – written in my heart like it was a piece of paper, a short novel of his shortcomings – ready to be recounted and etched to his soul until the end of his days. Sometimes when I close my eyes and picture him in my mind, I see only a pig wallowing in the mud. That is how he disgusts me. I now compare him to a filthy animal – a close to perfect representation of what he is now. Actually, a pig doesn’t even come close. He is scum. No – not scum, but the fungus that feeds on the scum. Ugh! The thought of him just makes me nauseous. I have come to the point of hating him. But soon I realized that hating him is not worth my energy. A friend told me that the reason why I hate him is because I love him. That’s true. The reason I was beyond furious with him is because I cared. How could I not care? In me runs the same blood. Because of his vile acts, I have come to a decision to renounce him and figuratively wash his blood away from my veins with the mighty name of someone higher. I have decided to cross from hate to indifference. At least when I am indifferent, I wouldn’t give a damn anymore. It is easier than hating, because I don’t have to invest feelings. Slowly I am unlearning the process of hating. Now I am just trying to be numb. When he walks around, I pretend that I don’t see him. When he talks I pretend that I don’t hear him. It’s easier to pretend that he doesn’t exist. Maybe if I wait long enough, I don’t need to pretend anymore.